Faith, or a Lack Thereof

"Religion is the impotence of the human mind to deal with occurrences it cannot understand."
     ~Karl Marx


What drives humans to religion?  Is it the need to feel some understanding as to the "how" and "why" of things around us?  Is it the desire to feel loved and accepted?  Could it be a thirst to fit in with the crowd?  Perhaps it's the need to escape personal accountability for our actions and desires?  Is it simply more convenient to have a set of beliefs, rules, accepted behaviors and actions laid out for us instead of having to contemplate these things for ourselves?  Maybe it's just easier that way?  I believe that these are all pieces of the need of the human race to cling to some sort of religious belief, regardless of the exact brand adhered to.  


All religions share many of the same things.  Religion attempts to answer the age-old questions of life.  How did we get here?  How did the world come to be?  What is my purpose?  What is the meaning of life?  Clearly no two religions, or even denominations within one religion answer those and other questions exactly the same way, but they all have the same basic structure, and they all establish basic tenets for the way that we are to live our lives.  


I was raised and have spent the majority of my life adhering to the Christian faith.  For me, life was honestly easier in many ways, harder in others when living in that space.  On one hand, I didn't need to think for myself.  The "answers" were all right there for me.  Critical thinking was not only unnecessary, but discouraged.  The idea is to just have "blind faith."  Don't question, don't step out of land, or you may backside into hell.  However, having all of the answers lined up for you does make life easier.  You just believe what you are told to believe and behave as you should and you will go to heaven upon your death.  It also brought comfort to truly believe that when I died I wasn't really gone, I was just basically graduating to a better place.  As an aside, if one follows those beliefs, shouldn't death and funerals be a celebration?  I mean c'mon, they're in heaven now!  Yay believer!  Nope, funerals are still somber and depressing.  How selfish if you'd rather someone be here on Earth than in heaven.  Sorry, random thought...


When I left church for the last time, I ran into a person that I attended church with, and they implored me not to "take the easy way out."  Easy way out!  Good grief, thinking for myself has been far from the easy way out!  Thinking for myself, attempting to puzzle out my own "code for living" has been hard!  At times it all drives me crazy!  Am I a bad person?  Is this okay?  I don't have someone else to tell me these things anymore, it's all on me.  I have no more excuses for messing it all up.  "Satan" didn't make me mess up; I did it all on my own! And "God" can't fix it for me; that's on me too.  The other extremely difficult aspect was walking away at all.  I don't enjoy hurting and disappointing people, especially when I really do care very much for them and know that the feeling is mutual.  I am aware that they really do have my best interest in mind, and they push because they care, so upsetting them certainly isn't something that gives me some sort of twisted pleasure; it's miserable and makes me feel like shit.


On the other hand, there really were aspects of "living the Christian life" that were really hard on me.  In a way it was very much like attempting to fit a round peg into a square hole.  At the end of the day, the person that I was while doing exactly what I was told went against everything that I held true.  It robbed me of my individuality, it robbed me of living a life of my own choosing.  I can't bring myself to believe that a serial baby rapist can say the right words to God and truly believe and be saved, but that I, still attempting to live the best life I can, treating people with kindness and compassion, and never intending harm to anyone, can not necessarily say the proper things or believe the in one thing that has no proof and go to hell.  It just doesn't make any sense to me at all.  I can't believe that a teenage girl, raped by a family member and pregnant, should be forced to carry that child to term or else she is a murderer.  I can't fathom that a loving couple should be denied the right to a life that a wife-beating man on his third marriage can have simply because they share the same type of genitalia, and are treated as second-class citizens.  I cannot accept the fact that simply because my boyfriend and I don't have a fancy and expensive piece of paper and haven't stood in front of a large group of people to "declare" our love for one another that it is sinful and morally wrong for us to show our love to one another in the most complete ways we can.  It just doesn't make sense to me, and it is something that, when I look honestly at myself and the person that I want to be, I cannot personally get behind.  


If others wish to cling to religion and it truly makes them feel happy and fulfilled, then I support that, and I am glad for them.  I have no desire to force my beliefs, or lack thereof, upon them.  Why can the same not be said the other way?


O.A.R. has an amazing song entitled "Heaven."  The premise of the song is that the singer isn't a criminal, he's not anyone's enemy.  He's just trying to live his life, and a lot of people take issue with the way in which he does things.  I can relate, and the last line of the chorus is just about perfect: "I don't want to go to heaven if I can't get in."   


Do I have all of the answers?  Hell no, I possess very few of the answers, but I do know this: I will continue to live my life as I see fit; I will treat people in the manner which I would like to be treated, with kindness, compassion, respect, tolerance, and love.  I shall not intentionally harm anyone, and I will do the best with the amount of time that I have.  But my life will be mine.  I will live it on my terms.  If you'd like to walk with me, I welcome you along on my journey.  If you can't accept me as I am, then I will wish you nothing but the best and bid you adieu.  I will be free, and I will be me.  

Dependence

In every romantic relationship that I have had in my 27 years, I have been the main "bread winner."  My, and really our financial situation has always been in my control.  In one case (the most serious previous relationship), I was the sole earner.  I paid all of our bills on a measly 6 dollars an hour, and at 19 years old no less!  In the other cases, my finances have always been completely separate from those of my partner.  However, that is about to change, and I find it terrifying.

Within the month, I will have moved in with my boyfriend, and I will be giving up the majority of my financial independence.  ?!?!  It feels like, and really I am, giving up part of my power and laying it in the hands of another.  Mind you, I love this man more than I thought that it was possible to love, and I do trust him, but the concept alone is frightening.  And the whole "What if" question drums a beat through my brain.  The fact of the matter is, I will only be working a minimal number of hours, and will have an extremely limited amount of money. I will have virtually no disposable income.  The bills will be, for the most part, out of my hands.  It's scary!

I know that he wants the best for me, that he loves me and wants to see me succeed, and I am beyond blessed and grateful to have him in my life.  He is willing to do whatever it takes to see me get through college.  At the end of the day, that means a better life for us, and it certainly proves that he is in this for the long haul.  I know that something fairly severe would need to happen for things not to work out between us at this point, but still...holy Moses, giving another human being this much power over me and my life is NOT an easy thing to do!

Fear and Disappointment

Fear: a necessary and highly irritating aspect of the human mind.  Most are irrational, but some are quite productive.  I'm a fan of self-preservation and the lack of dying.  Therefore, the fear of fire, murderers, most registered sex offenders, rubber bands, etc. are probably not a bad thing.  However, it's the irrational fears that run our lives, and for what purpose?  To hold us back?  My personal example right now is my total and completely irrational and all-encompassing fear of my motorcycle at the moment.  It's ridiculous!  I have never laid it down, never been close to any sort of catastrophe, and I do great once I'm going.  But starting it and turning right from a stop?  Good gracious, you'd think that the world was coming to an end!  I've started the thing without disaster so many times I can't count, and yet...the voice saying that I am going to stall it just won't shut up.  It's ridiculous.  I did get out today around the neighborhood on it...and it ended with my ass-dialing Justin when the carbs flooded and the battery died.  Geez...

This leads me to disappointment.  This fear is driving me insane!  It disappoints me in myself.  I expect more of myself, and I try to never let fear be the ruler of me.  However, it is definitely winning this time and it's starting to seriously piss me off.  Beyond that, Justin just doesn't understand my fear of this at all.  He is getting frustrated with my lack of progress, and it's leading to an intense disappointment on his end.  He wants desperately for this to be something that we can just share; he wants me to be easily able to just jump on my bike and ride with him.  I am dying for his patience and understanding, and he can't give that to me.  

Fear and disappointment...both are starting to run me over!  I know that the fear is strictly a mental block, and the solution is just to build a bridge and get the hell over it.  I understand all of this on an intellectual level.  Now the question becomes how to actually get it through to myself.